Every week, I receive numerous emails from clients all over the world. Recently, received this email from a young woman in Europe. I was so impressed by the insights that this wonderful young woman shared about her neurodiverse-ASD relationship that I asked her if I could share her email in a blog post so that it might be of help other autistic women and females with Asperger’s Syndrome who are also in romantic relationships or marriage. (Please note: the email has been modified and edited for the sake of clarity.)
Dear Eva,
I’m a 39-year-old woman who’s self-diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome almost a year ago. My partner had raised his concern earlier, but like many other aspies out there, I was in denial for a whole year. Now I am looking for a formal assessment. I am also dealing with some relationship problems.
I am quite desperate. I love my partner dearly, he means the world to me. But our relationship can’t seem to move forward due to my Asperger issues, most notably my emotional regulation. You see, I am a very uncommon aspie woman:
- I am a “party” girl who doesn’t like parties, but would say I’m extroverted
- I am a very affectionate person, but can’t cope with too much physical contact
- I can’t handle emotional intimacy because I am an anxious attacher
- I need space, but I get bored and lonely on my own and taking space can feel like a punishment
It’s my non-Asperger boyfriend who reminds me that I need space when he can’t cope being around me anymore. The basic problem is that due to my anxious attachment, I have a hard time accepting my need for space and then I seek being around him as much as I can, becoming clingy and needy. My anxiety is about spend more time with my partner, anxious about respecting the silence and space he needs, anxious about being a “separate” person, and anxious about feeling unworthy.
Even though we currently spend a lot of together and I am often in flight-or-fight mode. I have meltdowns and anger flashes combined with anxiety. Due to this, he needs distance for at least a week so he could recover from the emotional pain I caused him during our time together. During this time, he says he misses connecting with me. He says that the time he feels most connected to me are when we’re intimate when I just relax and allow attachment. However, right after I tend to freak out about feeling close. It seems that being connected feels deeply unsafe to me.
Even though I’m the autistic partner, I need more contact, more affection, more touch, more intimacy… but all these come to a great emotional cost to my partner. I am wondering if there is anything I can do about it.
I am currently having therapy with a therapist who has basic knowledge of Asperger Syndrome, however she is not an expert/specialist. I’m writing so that you might be able to help me with some advice-guidelines.
How can I get rid of my relationship anxiety? Even though, I’m the Asperger partner, I want to spend more time with him and build a more intimate and healthier relationship. Do you think medications like beta blockers, meditation, and therapy with a specialist like you could help me?
The young woman who wrote this decided to consult with me on her relationship and I was able to help answer all of her questions and provide some concrete Asperger’s relationship guidelines and advice. If you’d like to set up an appointment with me please click here to email me with an inquiry.
