This is a joint post by Eva Mendes and Meta-Man.
In one of my sessions, when I asked my autistic client, what he wanted to work on, he chose the topic of Theory of Mind (TOM).
When I asked him what TOM meant to him, this is what he said, “Theory of Mind is an understanding of how different minds operate from different perspectives. You have your knowledge, experience, and emotions. Other people have theirs on an independent basis. Some people are more understanding than others about how this works. It’s easy to understand one’s own emotions. But when somebody else is in a completely different emotional state from you (which happens all the time), Theory of Mind is necessary to comprehend those differences. If you say something that makes somebody upset, and you don’t understand why, then it might help to imagine how you would react if somebody said it to you.”
I agreed, “Yes, especially so that we don’t make mistakes when interacting with another person, it’s important that we have some sense of how our words and behavior affect them. Otherwise, we run the risk of really hurting those close to us.”
He continued, “Information is another aspect of TOM, isn’t it? For example, if you call someone to invite them to your house, but you don’t tell them where you live, then you run the risk of them getting lost. You most likely know your own street address, but you mustn’t let that detract you from the possibility that other people might not share your knowledge.”
He paused, thought for a long moment, and added, “As someone on the autism spectrum, I am aware of how it dampens my initial understanding of TOM. Fortunately, I have worked very hard to compensate for that by actually learning how TOM works. TOM is not exactly a natural instinct for people on the spectrum.
Of course, if you are someone with natural instincts for Theory of Mind, i.e. a non-aspie person, you might be able to help an autistic person close to you by putting into words and using examples how TOM works. Some autistic people have to learn what a non-aspie knows by instinct, therefore it helps to describe not only TOM, but other social-communication stuff to an autistic person as they often need to learn this intellectually.”
I know that autism is one cause of a weak Theory of Mind, but I’m not convinced that it’s the only one. After all, we have no idea about how many autistic people are in the government.”
I chuckled gently and interjected, “Okay, can I remind you again that we shouldn’t involve politics in our sessions? You remember us talking about that being counterproductive and that it takes our sessions on a tangent?”
He nodded knowingly, and changed rerouted, “Okay, one way to tell if someone has a weak sense of TOM is if they cannot take in what they’re willing to dish out.”
“Umm…” I replied, “What would be a good example of this?”
He gave it some thought and responded, “For example, when I got suspended from my weekly Support Group, I realized that I was making people feel uncomfortable by taking too much control of the conversation. I would embarrass people over things that weren’t really relevant like correcting people on a technicality or subtle details which would make them increasingly afraid to talk because of my criticism. If I had been more mindful of TOM, I would have taken the time to think about how uncomfortable I would have felt if the roles were reversed.”
On that note, we ran out of time and we were at the end the session.
To sum up, based on this discussion with my client who wants to be known as Meta-Man, here are some tips to work on TOM:
- TOM is not exactly a natural instinct for people on the spectrum, so it must been learned.
- If you say something that makes somebody upset, and you don’t understand why, then it might help to imagine how you would react if somebody said it to you.
- If you do unintentionally (or intentionally, although we hope that’s not the case) hurt someone, you might also ask why what you said or did was hurtful and what you could do to repair the damage and change your pattern of behavior and verbal expression.
- Just because you know something, others might not share your knowledge.
- If you are someone with natural instincts for Theory of Mind, it could help an autistic person in your life if you explain it to them. Many, many times if needed.
- You can also read about how emotional intelligence and TOM works.
