3 Asperger Relationships—Questions Answered!
3 of you in neurodiverse relationships where one or both partners have diagnosed or undiagnosed Asperger’s or Autism Spectrum Difference (ASD) in the Thrive with Aspergers audience asked questions about Aspergers and marriage.
Click on the link to listen to the podcast:
Eva’s Podcast Interview: Questions Answered – Asperger’s in Marriage
Here were the 3 marriage questions:
Question 1: Aspergers, Marriage, and Communication:
This fall I will have been married for 25 years. Shortly after our youngest child was diagnosed, 10 years ago, my husband realised that he has Aspergers too. We have 2 big communication problems:
1.During a conversation his thinking is so fast in a direction that I am not headed, and he will get angry. He will accuse me of going there and then not believe me when I tell him that is not what I was thinking. He thinks so very fast. And I just sit there confused as to why he thinks I am against him. How do I get him to be in the same moment with me?
And 2. Often, he misinterprets the “tone” in my voice to mean -he is not good enough. I have never thought that nor have I said it. He is actually hearing frustration or exhaustion or irritation, often not about him at all but the kids, or the dog or whatever! He then gets defensive and withdraws and shuts down. I cannot stand the shut down as it can last days. And it always involves his misinterpretation of me. In recent years, I badger him into discussing what is going on in his head, so we have understanding within a few hours not days. This process is exhausting for me, him too. Is there another communication-resolution-method that would short circuit his defense withdraw/shut down and prevent the exhaustion of his misunderstanding?
Question 2: Online Curriculum?
Is there a program or at-home curriculum you can recommend? My husband is willing to learn more about his diagnosis, and I am a 20 year educator who has worked with many autistic children. I have found resources appropriate for children, but none for an adult.
Question 3: Aspergers and Emotions
Aren’t Aspies deficient in picking up on the emotions of others? I thought this was a given, until I listened to one of your earliest podcasts, and you seemed to be saying the opposite, as if they have a special ability to sense the emotional state of others. I know I give off no clues that I feel any emotions, usually. On the other hand, I’ve sometimes thought I was more emotional than usual, and did have some sense that most people didn’t about such things. I don’t think my wife has much clue about my ability to feel things, and it’s true I usually try to live free of my feelings. It’s much more comfortable that way. Even replaying pleasant memories is so haunting, often, as you know it’s a world we are excluded from (the past).
You’ll Learn
- The Why behind defensiveness in many Aspergers/NS (non spectrum) relationships
- The concept of emotional bandwidth, and how to expand tolerance to talk about emotions.
- How positive psychology can help both you and your partner appreciate each other and life more fully
- How to lower anxiety about communication so that you can listen to each other more effectively.
Click on the link below and scroll down to listen to the podcast:
Eva’s Podcast Interview: Questions Answered – Asperger’s in Marriage
